Terrified

Today the fear is on me. I have an appointment with government offices to attempt to further my cause toward Medicaid. I have been approved for their free sterility program (big surprise) but I still have no access to therapy or meds. Partly I am a little afraid that I will not be approved, as is every supplicant truly struggling with a desperate situation that they cannot handle or afford without this help, as is any beggar, I suppose. The bulk of the fear is from the thing that keeps me in hiding most of the time - the fear of muddling in with the masses of humanity, with other needy, possibly sick, possibly dangerous people. And worst of all, the fear of being swept up with them and taken away because we are defective. Perhaps that's why I have this driving need to be useful and practical no matter what, because I fear that if I am not, I will be locked away. I know that I am lucky, I have a kind of personality and mind that allows me to be able to function highly a lot of the time, and especially well in a crisis. Despite my handicap, I can keep myself afloat at least, and more, most of the time. I have proven for 40 years that my illness and injury has not rendered me useless. I have refused, though I did not have to, to be a drain on society. But now, my age is catching up with me. My tolerance is thinning rapidly, as is reality, and my physical condition is even worse. Will I be swept up? Will I be turned into Soylent Green? Will I be locked away or put down? Put out to pasture is too good to hope for. I like that thought though. Maybe they'll round us all up today and take us to a nice farm, away from dangerous roads, with big fields where we can play and other crazy, injured people will be there to play with.